After a boring summer without enough GTL, Jersey Shore Family Vacation is back! We’re excitedly waiting to see if Ronnie finally got the balls to stay single, if Mike’s going to prison, if Angelina is going to be a regular (God, please, no), if J-Woww found her personality, and what a preggo meatball Deena will be like. The season preview was literally just them screaming at each other.
We open up to Ronnie and Baby Mama Jen having a baby shower. Ronnie, you f*cking moron. If your woman is throwing you out of a moving car, if you’re trying to cheat every two seconds, just break tf up. Why must I tell you this? Ronnie is such a good dad, he went to London when Jen was about-to-burst pregnant and landed when she went into labor. And he literally complains that he had to fly back for the birth of his child. A dream parent, really. We’re 30 seconds in and I’m already mad at you, Ron.
Ugh, God, I hate babies. I mean, ooooh looook little guido baby. Cuuuuute. Let’s get on with the show, people.
Oh, here’s generic blonde Lauren and Mike, talking about their dream wedding abroad, ruined by Mike’s impending prison sentence. It’s so annoying when your crimes prevent you from your special day plans, amirite? Love that none of this is a red flag to Lauren, but hey, she let Mike break up with her several times to f*ck other women, and took him back again and again.
Now Pauly and Ronnie are playing with his tiny meatball baby. By “playing”, I of course mean “staring at it” because that thing is barely alive at this age. Oh my God, here we go with a hilarious montage of Ronnie and Jen’s totally abusive and nasty messages to each other with Ronnie screaming over it. Yikes. They’re really glossing over how problematic this is.
And now we’re somehow cutting to lunch with Snooks and Angelina being fake polite to each other. Oh good, Snooki bought her adult diapers. Oh good, they got their boobs done together. I have no interest in this.
Vinny is talking to his mom about how much happier he is without the Instagram Model in his life. Now he can save all the strippers he wants! Oooooh, I totally forgot this season is going to be in Vegas. Funny how for Jersey Shore there is no Jersey Shore in sight. Guess they’re still not allowed back then? TBH, I didn’t even know what the Jersey Shore was before this show, so maybe they should be thanking MTV.
J-Woww is all, “Oh everyone thinks babies are so easy!”, like no b*tch, babies look like life-ruining nightmares, but okay. Her baby is two and doesn’t speak yet and has to go to therapy. I don’t know at what age babies usually speak at, but I’m assuming this is bad? While I do feel bad she’s worried about her kid, quiet kids seem way easier, soo…
The girls meet for drinks (food?) and apparently Angelina called Jenni a Jersey Whore which she finds really offensive. I’m disappointed in you, J-Woww, you used to be proud of being a Jersey whore. Deena announces that she’s not coming to Vegas due to her pregnancy, which like, good. Sorry D, you spent all last season falling on the ground and crying about your husband. I’m imagining pregnancy hormones are worse than alcohol, yes? I could do without it.
The guys arrive in a ridiculous suite at Planet Hollywood. It has a stripper pole in the shower.
Vinny: Ronnie’s gonna be single by like dinner.
He’s still with Jen after the violence and the weird little Instagram montage? Oh, Ron. Also Vin, Ron does not have to be single to f*ck strippers, which we’ve learned many times over. I remember when they had a little tiny (but really gigantic) beach shack above the T-shirt shop. Ah, memories. Pauly calls Ron out for posting two days prior on social media that he is single; now he’s saying he and Jen are good.
Mike: Ron’s acting like Puerto Rican Jesus. He says he’s working things out but how long will that last.
Mike, I think we remember the Bible differently.
Ronnie doesn’t want to go to a strip club. Also, can we discuss Mike’s shirt? Like, it’s not a bad shirt, but it just doesn’t look like him. He doesn’t look right next to the other guys.
Ronnie: I don’t want to go anywhere with Mike in that shirt.
Oh f*ck, if I’m agreeing with Ronnie, I need to rethink my entire life.
The girls arrive in Vegas!
Oh wait. I forgot. Sammi’s dead, Deena’s pregnant (which may as well be dead), and Angelina thankfully wasn’t invited yet because the producers are obviously going to surprise throw her on us later in the season. So the “girls” is literally just Snooks and J-Woww. And J-Woww still looks like a librarian, so she really doesn’t count. Snooki better step it up this season, that’s all I have to say.
We’re almost done with this episode and literally nothing has happened.
Snooks: Mom’s are here!
See? Having children makes everyone boring. Snooki has an updated pouf, where it’s like as big as her old pouf, but it’s segregated in three pieces like a spiked crown. Is she going to party or rule the seven seas?
F*CKING SNOOKI, she just announced that she invited Angelina to replace Deena on the trip. Why are you doing this to us? Angelina left the first season, 10 years ago. She is cancelled. Snooki has failed me so far. J-Woww is pissed but you can’t tell because her face does not move.
Out of nowhere, Mike announces that he and the “Missus” are “experimenting in the bedroom.” File that under things I don’t need to picture, thanks. Ronnie is bringing the baby and Jen to show everyone (why do people always insist on showing you their babies? They all look like shriveled potatoes for the first six months). J-Woww super sketchily cuts to her interview where she announces: I have a secret.
Apparently, she reached out to Jen after #SocialMediaGate. Now she’s worried Jen has told Ron that she once again inserted herself in the middle of his relationship. Like, why would she even talk to Jen? She doesn’t know her. Jen brings the shriveled potato up to their room. Snooks and J-Woww cry and say she looks just like Ron. They say this like it’s positive. Can you imagine Ron as a woman? That is going to be a hideous child if she doesn’t grow out of this. Don’t put that on her, guys. Vinny’s ovaries explode at seeing the baby. Oh my God, Snooki tries to smile at the baby and her face is so puffy and frozen it ends up like grimace. That is so scary and also so hilarious. Why do people do this to their face? Who is allowing her to have this much botox?
Mike to Jen: I don’t know what you did to this man, he’s a different person now.
Mike, Ronnie said no to the strip club. Once. One time. Two days ago he was announcing over social media that he was single. A little before that, he was engaging in totally abusive and violent arguing with Jen. But yeah, he’s a changed man. Mike is basically every woman ever.
J-Woww pulls Jen aside to talk and Jen says didn’t tell Ron anything about their conversations.
Jen: I told Ron I trust him 100%, and also if he f*cks up, I’ll find out.
First of all, you should not trust him, he has given you a million reasons not to. Secondly, what is there to find out if you trust him? Run, Jen, run. Collect that child support and go. I cannot believe there is a woman in this world that wants to be with someone like Ronnie so badly that she’s willing to put up with this kind of garbage.
We end Jersey Shore Family Vacation season 2 episode 1 with Ron sending Jen off. Let the sh*tshow begin, friends.
Oh wait, there are two episodes back to back.
Okay, I guess I have to do this all over again now. I mean, fine, but something actually interesting better happen.
The group is talking about Ron and Jen behind their backs. What else is new? I am sooooooo embarrassed for Jen. This man drove you to getting into a physical altercation in the car with your baby, throwing him out of the car in front of said baby, and then running him over with it. But yeah, I’m sure it’ll work out now, guys. Or you could just break up.
Oh sweet Jesus, Mike is getting tanner by the second. He looks like OG Snookie. As if on cue, Vin starts singing the Oompa Loompa song. Ronnie says he’s glad everyone got to meet the baby before Jen goes to Oklahoma. Why is she going to Oklahoma? Is she moving away or like, on vacation? Who vacations in Oklahoma?
Now we have a whole sequence of the boys playing with the sequins on pillows. Can you people be fun again, please?
WHAT is with Jenni’s severe bun in her interviews? She looks like one of the men from Mulan.
Jenni is crying because she wanted some kind of Mother’s Day video but her friends were supposed to be in it (?) and now she’s mad at them (?). Unclear. Also, I have trouble understanding people who talk without moving their mouths. This is why I have so many friends in LA. I just smile and nod because I don’t know what their Botox faces are saying. It makes me appear agreeable.
They all go to dinner.
Vinny: All I want is for someone to look at me the way Mike looks at a food menu.
Seriously, me too, dude. Mike orders half of the menu. Why is he insisting on being fat? He’s like “oh, whatever, it won’t matter because I’ll get ripped when I for sure go to prison”? Does anyone really do that? I’ve seen every episode of OITNB, and that was Piper’s goal too, but so far she’s lost some teeth and caused a lot of problems, but is def not ripped.
Jenni is now announcing that she’s mad at Snooki about the Mother’s Day video. I don’t get this? Why would any of these people be in her Mother’s Day video? These aren’t your kids. Even though you supervise Vinny’s haircuts. It’s weird and creepy. Jenni, you used to have real problems, like b*tches looking at you wrong at the club. Fun things. Then Jenni decides she really wants to cause problems over this stupid f*cking video, because although she made sure Baby Mama Jen didn’t tell Ron anything, she now announces that she’s been conspiring with her at the table to everyone. Why? Then she comes for Vin.
Jenni: If only you had cheated on Alicia (Insta model) like you cheated on your diet, you guys would still be together.
It took me a second to understand what the f*ck she meant, but I get it. Vin never cheats on his miserable and insane keto diet, but did cheat on his miserable and insane gf. Way harsh, Jenni.
Vin: I loved Jenni in The Mask, it was amazing.
Jenni: My face will go down in a day or two, but your ego and cheating ways will stay forever.
I mean. These statements are all true. But good to know that Jenni’s face is freshly shot up, maybe she’ll even make an expression by next week?
So Vinny and Pauly are both single but Ronnie isn’t, which means nothing to Ronnie, so basically they’re all single. Pauly is besties with everyone because they’re going to Drais, where he is the resident DJ. Pauly is so happy the “Smash Squad” is back. Didn’t they used to call it smushing?
Jenni is asleep in the club in the corner and she’s all giant scary lips. The guys say she looks like a mannequin and they are not wrong. Jenni, who are you? I don’t know this woman.
Ronnie is sitting in the corner. Like, you guys can still be fun even if you’re not cheating? Why are these the only options?
Jenni took Snooki with her in the cab. She is such a bore, I can’t take it.
Snooki: Did Bill Cosby drug you?
This. This is why we keep Snooki around. But also, too soon?
Back at the club, Vinny is educating us that all Canadian women are DTF because they’re basically men. Oooookay. Mike and his puffy orange face and indoor sunglasses pouts against the wall. Pauly and Vinny bring the slutty Canadians back and immediately put them in their beds. Like, fully dressed and with shoes on. What is this. Now there is a montage of Canada. Which is mostly hockey. I mean, this is definitely what I think all of Canada is, so fair. Pauly and Vinny send the girls away once they’re done with him. Just like old times!
Boring J-Woww wakes up at 8:30am, and all I want to know is how anyone can sleep in this severe bun. Does your head not hurt? She calls Roger to continue b*tching about Mother’s Day. Let it go, woman. This is like her entire personality, this Mother’s Day video. Everyone but Vin goes to breakfast. Mike orders chicken and waffles and french fries.
Mike: I do the keto diet with one cheat day. One cheat day, 3-5 times a week.
Weird, me too.
Ron calls Jen and apparently her flight was changed so she wants to come visit Ron. He’s like, f*ck no. And he basically explains that she’s really pure evil and he doesn’t want her around. Seems like this is going well.
They all go to a pool party and Pauly DJs. Mike is jealous he’s not getting enough attention, so he puts on this totally revolting giant panda head and dances around. So I guess Jen won, because Ron is spending the whole day moping that she’s coming out with them. Ron starts getting 400 texts from Jen yelling at him. Like, Ron, what did you do now? You haven’t even been here for 24 hours. Ron goes to the bathroom and gets in a little fight with some guy. Then security has to intervene. Like, can’t you just pee without causing a problem? He’s even doing aggressive clapping at the guy, which I didn’t know was still a thing. They are all forced to leave the party. Ron, you have a child, get your sh*t together!
Jenni: So since Jen is visiting, she likes tequila right?
Ron: I don’t know, I don’t care, I’m over it.
Jenni’s shocked face:
He’s literally throwing a tantrum that Jen is coming out with them. Like wtf? Just break up, you psycho. Being single is way more fun. Now Ronnie is crying because he doesn’t want to hang out with Jen. I’m exhausted from their relationship.
Mike: Relationships are tough, life is tough, it doesn’t get easier.
Mike, when you cheat on people and commit crimes that will send you to prison, you’re right. You’re not really the person to ask for advice here.
Ron is calling Jen repeatedly and muttering, “Where’s my daughter?” and crying. Unclear what’s going on here.
Ronnie admits to the group that Jen is basically holding the baby hostage from him based on his behavior. I mean, if you behave like a drunken psycho, I wouldn’t want you around my kid either. And my kid is a dog.
Jenni: Uh if you’re so scared of her taking your kid from you, why are you posting crazy sh*t all over Instagram and baiting her?
Seriously. She then tells Ron to leave Jen and get court-ordered custody so Jen can’t withhold the baby when she feels like it. He freaks the f*ck out and says it’s too hard. Like, he hates Jen anyway, what’s the problem here? Ron continues to play the victim and Jenni is like, “this is your fault for getting a crazy woman pregnant.” SERIOUSLY. Use protection, you idiot.
Oh I guess that’s it for this week. Let’s hope Single Ronnie comes out next week. And by Single Ronnie I mean Probably Still In A Relationship But Gives No F*cks Ronnie.
Images: Giphy (8)